I realize this will come as a terrible shock to most of you, but I have a past I have not written about before.  I am actually a most musical simian.  Yes, it's true.  I've played in bands (that disturbing calliope engagement doesn't count…. ahem.)  

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Several of my friends are quite good at finding the most abominable music videos on the internets.  I am charging myself with the opposite duty.  Each Friday (or Saturday morning… cough), I will endeavor to find the most fabulous music, thereby spreading joy and perhaps convincing several people to send me bananas in undying gratitude.  But I digress.  

Some of you noticed my new packaging and have asked pesky questions.  (Some of you need a swift bonk on the noggin.)  However, I will now endeavor to tell the tale of said packaging and how it came to pass.  First, I searched on the internets until I found a web design company willing to work with me.  

Two intrepid souls at  iKnow Web Design (Kevin and Dave), put their reputation and concern for their safety aside and agreed to meet with me, Monkey.  I had to journey into the big city of Portland to find their office.  

Upon arrival I realized they needed some assistance.  I quickly organized some bananas they had laying about and repaired their printer.  I attempted to give Kevin detailed instructions, but became distracted by a cache of snacks he had hidden in his ear.  

You can plainly see Cuz and Purple awaiting their turn at the buffet line. 

Soon it became clear that I would need to take matters into my own paws.  I am a master of technology  as you will no doubt recall.  

Note my adept keyboard work.   My skillful mouse work. 

Please send bananas.  Thank you.  

Editor's Note:  After we performed CPR on Kevin, I am happy to report that he and Dave made an absolutely beautiful website.  Working with them was a joy and they made the process incredibly easy.  So easy, even Monkey can use it.  Now I must depart, before I am bitten.  

I will be risking my life and limb once again to bring you live (sort of) coverage of the 2010 Zombie Kickball.   For your ghoulish pleasure. 

For more information, please go to the ubiquitous facebook page.  

Your eyes do not deceive you. I am indeed, back.  Back from where you ask?  Oh the darkest regions of your imagination cannot go where I have been… so let’s not discuss it.

Some things have changed.  For one, I’ve lost a considerable amount of fur and I’m a trifle sensitive about it, so resist the hairless cat and bald jokes, if you please.  I also have cataracts, which make it difficult to see when people are making rude gestures in my direction.  But my sense of smell is still quite keen and I assure you, I can smell derision.

Purple is still my best friend, sidekick and Majordomo. He has however, given up drinking for meditation. He keeps admonishing me to “return to the cushion”, but I have no earthly idea what he is babbling about.

The largest and most alarming change in our household is the discovery of my long lost relation “Cuz”.

He is the one wearing the sweater. Note his shocking Bay City Rollers hairdo. The animal we are checking for fleas and other foodstuffs is Mr. Burgundy. He provides take out.

Some things have not changed. Our method of conveyance is the same.

We still suffer the indignities of being used as hat wear.

2006

2010

(note I am in a dead faint)

The boy and his friends are still unmercifully cruel. I shall not subject you to photographic evidence of that particular horror. I do, however, have miles of video…

All in all, it is a pleasure to be here, to suffer the slings and arrows of your mockery and adulation. Your ridicule and devotion. Your contempt and applause.

But I digress. Did you bring bananas? Thank you.
  

Monkey will be visiting local libraries in September and October to look for books on bananas. If you would like Monkey to visit your library, please contact him!

I visit our local Dump, explain the vagaries of recycling and meet an unexpected friend.

People ask me, they say, "Monkey, you and Purple spend so much time together. Do you ever fight?" Indeed, we do fight. While on our vacation a fight started over maple syrup… in a fashion.

It started at breakfast. Purple was allowed to sit on the breakfast table, among the muffins, bananas and coffee. I was held in the sticky fingers of the boy, until I was literally painted with maple syrup. The reason given for my being concealed on a lap, while Purple enjoyed a view and a prime seat was this: "Purple is dressed. You're naked."

Upon returning to the room, there were nefarious plans afoot. I was to take a bath with maple syrup boy. I leapt out the window onto some shrubbery, but not before sharing harsh words with Purple.

Purple took to drink.

Please send clothes. I'm a size preemie.

Thank you.

Last night, events came to pass (chocolate pudding was involved), that required a bath. Foolishly, I made the decision to forgo the washing machine.  I petitioned to be washed by human hands and much to my horror, I ended up in the bath… with the boy.

He seemed more intent on drowning me than bathing me.  I saw my short life flash before my eyes.  After a time I was able to right myself and attempt an ungainly doggy paddle.

As I grew more confident, I tried some water ballet.

But then, the shampooing began in earnest.

I don't have functioning eyelids, which made things rather disagreeable, to say the very least. To be more accurate, I was in agony. In agony I tell you! The boy dutifully shampooed me, and shampooed me, and shampooed me.

The water grew black with… dirt. The tub became a soup of grime, muck and mire. I had no idea how filthy the boy and I had become over the course of the year.

I grew more cheerful. 

I am pleased to report that I am still very much alive and I smell delightfully of papaya.

Please send bananas. Thank you.